Confessing Sin

About a year ago, I wrote a very honest post about my anger.  Frustration toward others and toward God.  It was a low time for me.  I struggled against feelings of self-pity and feelings of being wronged.  I choose the word “struggled” on purpose because I was struggling…struggling AGAINST those feelings.  I knew I could not succumb to them.  I could not allow myself to dwell there.  To wallow in that anger.  Anger may be a natural part of the grieving process.  I realize it is an absolutely normal thing for people to feel in our situation.  But the fact that it is normal is not a license to embrace it.  Anger toward my situation- anger toward God says “I want control…my way is better…You, oh God, are doing it the wrong way.”  Anger toward God carries with it undertones of pride.  It reveals our weakness and our spiritual nearsightedness.  So, should we bury the feelings? Hide them?  No.  We should take it to God.  We should cry out to Him, confessing it, pleading for a clean heart, a renewed spirit.  Coddling our anger leads to bitterness and a hardened heart.

That post I wrote a year ago was not about venting my anger.  It was not a post written to reveal a case for how I had been wronged.  I wrote to confess my anger.  I wrote it because I wanted to speak truth about the way we are dealing with and stumbling through this illness.  Can I tell you what I’ve discovered?  Confessing it to you is what brought me out of it.  Confessing it was the end of my months-long battle. The emotion of anger has not since hit me with the same intensity nor the same constancy.  In the book of James, God tells us to confess our sins to one another and to lift one another up in prayer (James 5:16a).   I have realized over this last year that when I confess my sin to another person, it brings that sin to light in all its ugliness.  When I keep a sin to myself, how easily I can explain it, justify it, give it a little spit polish.  I can make it look pretty good in my mind…But when I display that hideous, little creature to the eyes of others,  when I bring him out into the light, his grotesqueness is revealed, and I find myself repulsed. Not only that, but others can bring me before the Lord in my struggle.

Multiple times since then, when I begin to observe a wrongful attitude or a habitual line of thinking that is not pleasing to God, I lay it out in the open before someone I love and trust.  By doing this, I gain accountability and I prevent myself from trying to make sin less heinous than the rebellion it actually is.  Let us keep an honest confession before the Lord, knowing that He is faithful to forgive us, and let us surround ourselves with godly, trustworthy people to whom we can share our struggles and our failures.  How freeing to cast the hidden darkness out into the light and there find both forgiveness through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ and overwhelming hope!

 

A Letter to You, Dear Pearl

This is my reply to the sweet one who left us a message after reading the post Jehovah-Jireh: He is the Provider:

Dear Pearl,

I have not replied yet to the comment you made earlier this month, but I have thought of you.  I have prayed for you.  You, my dear, are not alone.  Drawn-out illness is no easy road.  But I pray we can, in some small way, walk it together.  And even more, I pray that we can walk it faithfully for our Lord.  The following concept has been, I believe, our greatest battle cry through it all, our greatest motivator:  We can show our love for God more clearly in our suffering than in our prosperity.  We can demonstrate more poignantly His faithfulness and our commitment in the midst of struggle than in the midst of harmony.  So let us both resolve in our hearts to love Him, not because He gives us good things, for He does not wish to be a stepping stone for us.  He does not desire that we worship Him in hopes of what we get in return, for that is not love.  Let us love Him for who He is and with reckless abandon.  And may He receive the glory!

Press on, dear friend,

Jon & Adrianne

Here is a video on the topic that has touched us to our core.

 

When our eyes become fixed

We have seen the moment again and again, cast clearly before our eyes in movies, or put to our imaginations in novels.  Or maybe we have experienced it for ourselves.  It always goes something like this:

He is in a crowded room, talking with a group of people, enjoying their company, making comments to draw their laughter….when out of the corner of his eye, he catches a form which snags his full attention.  It is…her!  The room fades away, the conversation becomes inaudible.  Nothing exists.  Nothing but her.  All the world takes on her form alone, and he is lost in it.

Now let’s go to another scene.  The Holy Spirit brought this next scene to my mind as I was talking to my Lord about my struggle with being so greatly affected by my circumstances.  I tend to bring home hurtful words and events and ache over them for hours.  I tend to worry that someone is angry or annoyed by me.  I tend to feel heavy despair when Jon suffers most.   I give in to feeling overwhelmed when the tasks and responsibilities mount too high.  And I was fervently sharing this struggle with my Lord, asking Him to help me keep my eyes on Him…when a beautiful, profound image splashed across my mind.

He is pushed out of the city limits, a crowd rushing behind him.  Men and women gather, rage and fury storming in their eyes.  A young woman spits in his face.  The crowd closes in on him. He is trapped within a circle of taunting violence.  An elderly man in priest’s garb picks up a piece of stone that has loosened itself from the wall close by and hurls it at the man.  A couple of his friends watch from behind a part of the wall, tears streaming down their faces in grief.  Someone throws another stone, splitting a gash at his temple.  Blood streams down his face.  Curses are flung at him and a host of rocks….when out of the corner of his eye, he catches a form which snags his full attention.  It is…Him!  Jesus Christ, the Lord!  The crowd fades, the curses become inaudible.  The pain and the blood seem far away.  Nothing exists.  Nothing but him.  A brief smile crosses his blood-stained lips before he shouts boldly, “I see the heavens opened, and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God!”  His last words were to ask that God forgive them, for his own hurt must have seemed minuscule as the gaping heavens allowed him to stare into eternity.

May we be like Stephen!  May our eyes be so fixed upon our Great and Awe-inspiring God, who loves us and sacrificed greatly for us, that we do not feel so deeply the wrongs done to us by others…that we do not feel so deeply the frustrations of this life!  May every word, every decision, every thought of ours be made while our eyes are fixed on HIM!  Oh, Precious God, let it be!

 

A video from Jon to you

We are 3 years and 8 months into this sickness.  Yesterday, Jon wanted to make a video to tell you how he is doing.  I was behind the camera, with time to reflect on what God has done through these years of difficulty.  I was spellbound by my strong, brave husband and my great and wonderful God.

 

Holding on Without Holding Back

Jon

Remember when we built a fort in our living room and made that Friday night into a sleepover?

You were all for the idea, helping me hang the sheets from our dining room chairs.

Remember how we had that crazy idea (ok, I admit, it was my idea) to go to that tiny BBQ restaurant, but we each had to wear or carry 5 things that the other person picked out for us, regardless of what the person picked?  With every turn, we got crueler and crueler, and the items got more and more ridiculous.  We were laughing so hard, dreading the idea of walking in looking so absurd, gleefully basking in the thought of watching the other walk in looking so ridiculous.

You had to walk in with that 7-foot bamboo pole, a framed 8×10 wedding picture of me, and an assortment of mismatched clothing. I don’t remember what I had to wear, as my thoughts were fully taken by the spectacle you were making.  That poor waitress couldn’t decide whether to call the police or a psychiatrist when you walked through the door with your Rafiki pole!

Remember how we would go to your soccer games Saturdays?  With a blanket and our puppy. And I would get up a little earlier and fix my hair and my makeup, so that you would be proud of me- proud that I was yours, proud to hear me cheering your name.

You were a work horse out there.  You and your brother had the same brain on that field.  His kick would somehow find you.  Your foot would find the ball.  The ball would find the goal.  And I would cheer. Because you scored.  Because you were mine.  Because this was happiness.

Remember how we would wait till the last minute to get up then rush around, trying to get ready for work?  We would just pour a bowl of cereal for the road because there was no time to eat.  We would share while you drove us in.

You would loudly threaten me through your laughter as I carelessly shoved Frosted Flakes toward your face.  “Adrianne!  Be careful! You’re going to spill it! Adrianne! …You got milk on my pants!!”

Remember the time we were going to the church thanksgiving dinner, and I made two pumpkin pies?  Remember how you tried to get one out and accidentally folded it over like a taco?

You were so upset, so I tried hard not to laugh at your cuteness. We dumped both pies in a pudding dish, covered it with whipped cream, and took it to the dinner anyway.  No one ate it.

Oh, my sweet life, my heart swells with such sweet memories while it aches for your healing.
And I see the tears in your eyes when we talk about the past.
I see how you long for your health, and the freedom that comes with it.
And I hope you know
that you and I will hold on to hope, my dear one.
We will hold on to the precious memories of those first two years.
We will never stop praying for your healing.
Never stop trying new treatments.
Never stop working toward recovery.
We will keep fighting to bring your health back.
But…
This alone is not enough for us, is it?.
We will not sit by and wait weepily, wondering when God will do something.
Because we both know
that He is already doing something.
There is more for us than just desperately holding on.
So…
In the middle of this struggle….

We will lift our voices to our Creator and bless His name.
We will thank Him for working in us, for conforming us to be more like Jesus
We will love the mess out of one another…
To have a love that is built on far more than just roses and evenings out and kisses and picnics,
So it will be like fire-tempered steel.
We will pour out our lives for Him now.
We will not wait to serve Him when life is “normal” again.
We will fight to live for Him without boundaries.
Limited in mobility, in energy, in ability, in strength
Limitless in loving, giving, reaching, praying.
We will not hold back, my love.
Thank you for taking me with you as you are being transformed into a powerful man of God.
You amaze me.

 

Marriage is temporary, but it yells about the eternal

We had been married for a handful of months,  Life was pure ecstasy
Being married to Jonathan Matthews Bradley exceeded all my expectations of happiness.
Truly. I could not believe how happy we were.
And here we were heading to a marriage conference.
You will remember that Jon was seeking his Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling,
and the two of us had long before agreed that we would wholeheartedly nurture our marriage.
We would always seek to grow together.  Always.
So we walked into the church building with few problems but with humble, teachable hearts.
What an enriching experience that conference was!
We sat with a veteran couple during the luncheon.
In their marriage, they had faced loss of family members together,
and the lady had gone through cancer with her husband at her side.
We did not know our relationship with the couple would continue for years.
We did not know that they would rise up beside us when Jon’s illness came.

The conference was full of testimonies, helpful insight and thought-provoking discussion questions.
We met couples who were still in love after decades together.
We met couples who were struggling-things were not working- but they came to battle for their marriage.
What a blessing it was!

During this conference, there were, of course, door prizes.  I love to win stuff.  Don’t we all?
So you can imagine my excitement when our names were called…that is….
until I saw what we had won.
It was a book.
I like books.  I even love some books.
I’m an English major, after all.
But this book…
The title was, This Momentary Marriage.
I didn’t like it at all.
Yeah, the alliteration was nice, but this momentary marriage?
The last thing I wanted to read about was how short-lived my new happiness with my husband was.
I knew there wouldn’t be marriage in heaven.  I accepted Jesus’ words as absolute truth.
But that didn’t mean I wanted to read a whole book about the ending of this beautiful connection with Jon.
About how temporary it all was.
I accepted the book like I accepted that pair of jeans my mom got me from Goodwill 2 sizes too big.
Smile. Thank you! Gritting teeth. Shifting eyes Raising eyebrows.

We put the book on the shelf with our collection of marriage books.
It remained unread until…
Jon was very sick.
I watched Ian and Larissa’s story.
It was a precious story of a beautiful marriage.
Larissa mentioned the book.
You know, the book?
This Momentary Marriage.
There it was.
So, I went to the bookshelf and picked it up.
And started reading.
So good.
I haven’t finished it yet, but it is on my list of things to do in 2015.
it focuses on how our marriage was designed to be a picture of Christ and the Church.
Right now, I just want to put a few quotations here from the book.
A few parts that have powerfully touched me and molded me.

“Here is the amazing, unbelievable thing-a profound mystery, as Paul says, ‘A man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh….and I am saying that if refers to Christ and the church‘ (Eph. 5:31-32).  Marriage refers to Christ and the church-every marriage, no matter how pendulum-like because of our sin; every marriage, even if the couple doesn’t care a bit about Jesus….God designed marriage to be a picture. That makes me ask myself, how clear and well-focused is the portrait of Jesus that our marriage is displaying?
I love using my tiny digital camera.  But the larger and more complex a subject, the more nearly impossible it is to represent it well and completely.  No single photograph an show someone how magnificent the Grand Canyon is.  It’s true that my shortcomings as a photographer do nothing to change the majesty of that natural wonder. Still, some snapshots do give a better idea than others of the grandeur.  I want to take that clearer kind of picture of the Grand Canyon.  And that’s the kind of image of Jesus I want our marriage to portray.” (Preface by Noel Piper, p. 11).

“Marriage is more than your love for each other…In your love you see only the heaven of your own happiness, but in marriage you are placed at a post of responsibility towards the world and mankind.  Your love is your own private possession, but marriage is more than  something personal-it is a status, and office” (Introduction by John Piper, p. 15).

“So love comes from you, but marriage from above, from God.  As high as God is above man, so high are the sanctity, the rights, and the promise of love.  It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love (Quotation by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, p. 18).

My love for Jonathan Matthews Bradley continues to flourish and grow.  When I think of how much I love him and the suffering he has had to face, tears well in my eyes.  But our marriage is an even bigger ordeal than our love.  For our marriage is to be a display of the relationship between our Lord Jesus and His people.  May our marriage point boldly and brightly to the great love and commitment that Christ and His people share.

 

Jehovah-Jireh: He is the Provider

God continues to remind us that we are here- wading in the stale waters of this illness- completely on purpose.  Our last update presented some big decisions, and oh, how God revealed His careful hand in our lives!
We put our house on the market, knowing that we could not afford to stay in Winston Salem if it did not sell quickly.  I needed to let my employer know within the month if I would be returning.  Jon’s mother, who had been caring for Jon while I was at work, needed to take a job.  So, even if our home sold, we did not have a caretaker for Jon.  These elements were larger than my problem-solving skills.  We started planning to move back in with my parents for a time.  We spent much of the summer there with them in Virginia.  We had already started moving some of our clothes into drawers in my old bedroom.  I was working hard to come to terms with the move but found myself struggling immensely.  The support that we had received from the school where I worked had been such a sustaining force for us.  Jon had worked with me there up until he became ill.  He was known and loved by the staff and faculty there.  As I began looking for a job in Virginia, I was continually reminded that Jon would just be a name at my new workplace.  A name.  A story.  Nothing more.  My parents and the church there would be an encouragement, but I still found myself fighting to accept the change. With my brother in tow, I checked out a local coffee shop for a position and inquired at the local high school.  Maybe I could start out as a substitute teacher or fulfill my dream to be a barista.

Then God began to work out all the problems that had seemed too large to solve.  Within 3 weeks of putting our home on the market, we received a strong offer, which we accepted.   Soon after, I received a message from a dear childhood friend who lives in Winston.  She had been praying about our situation and offered to stay with Jon a few days each week.  With this offer, I put up a message on Facebook to see if there were others interested in helping. By the end of the week, there were 6 people who had volunteered to help throughout each month.  My employer worked to accommodate us in several ways.  We could not have stayed in Winston without the support and accommodation that we received from them.  Our real estate agent helped us to find a cute, little home with a lovely view.  We were able to cut our mortgage in half.  Around this time, a judge was able to see Jon and determined within ten minutes that Jon was sufficiently disabled to receive Social Security.  This was a blessing to us.  The amount covers Jon’s insurance and medical expenses each month.  I admit that this has been a hit to my pride.  We do not want to have any dependence on the government.  I have spoken with several mentors on this, each one reminding me that Jon’s situation is the reason the government has these programs in place.  I suppose this is for a different post, but we look forward to the day when this is no longer necessary- when we can give and contribute in the ways that others have done for us.

God brought all these things together for us, and we have been able to stay in Winston.  I am still teaching in the school where Jon and I worked together those first two years of our marriage.  Our cute, little house that was pink through and through is now a lovely grey with red and yellow accents throughout-a safe haven for us. We have been taught much this year about undying trust in God, humility, and the importance of community within the body of Christ.  He has drawn us to Him in many ways that never could have been if we had only lived our normal, happy, little lives.  He has us here on purpose…for a purpose, and He continues to provide for us and sustain us.

Like the children of Israel in the hot, long trek through the wilderness.
They had to make the journey
BUT
Their shoes never wore out.
Their bellies were filled with manna.
Their feet were always guided by the Cloud and the Fire
The Lord never left them.

 

A Quick Update on Us and a List in Deciding our Future

 

On Jon

We can see that in several ways, Jon is definitely better than he was a year and two years ago.  There are times he can interact much better with others without wearing down so quickly.  He has been watching segments of World Cup games and even playing a round or two of Call of Duty with me every now and then.  He listens to a sermon on almost a daily basis, and I’m always convicted, encouraged, and filled with renewed hope when I sit down and listen with him.  This year, we made the whole ride to the beach in one evening, without having to stop at a hotel halfway. He continues to be mostly recliner bound and is very sensitive to foods, smells and temperature.  His stomach gives him a horrible time of it every day and I won’t even bore you with the plethora of other physical struggles that offer themselves up each day.
The doctor recently discovered that Jon has a parasite.  We have been treating that for the past three weeks and have about one week left.  This has left him feeling more miserable than usual.  We are praying this treatment will lead to significant improvement.  As far as his spirits,  Jon fluctuates throughout the day between feeling desperate for change and improvement, and feeling determined to travel through this valley faithfully and with a “fight” mentality.

Continue to pray for healing, and for strength and courage of mind through this long battle, as well.

On Our Near Future

We have spent a good amount of this summer already in Virginia with my parents.  But not just to visit.  We are seriously considering moving in with them for a year or so.  There are several reasons that are pushing this move, and we know we would gain in many ways.  My family is so supportive, and I know that we would both be uplifted in spirit to be near them and my grandparents, not to mention being a closer part of my youngest brother’s life during his jr year of high school.  I would be working part time somewhere so that I could stay home with Jon.  This would give me plenty of time to work on my photography, my novel and any other creative activity my brain can come up with.  There is something beautifully peaceful and inspiring about the woods, fields and simplicity of the mountains of Va. In spite of these things, Jon and I both continue to feel pulled to stay.  We have been praying that God will make His will very clear for us- that if He desires us to stay, He will open the doors that would need to be opened for that to happen.  Earlier this week, a family friend contacted us and offered to stay with Jon a couple of times a week for the school year.  This offer, along with a several other significant issues that have been solved, has led us to consider if we could make NC work. There are still many doors that would need to be opened in order for us to stay in NC, and we need to have an answer by July 1st.  So, with 6 days left and lots of praying, we have also decided to list the things that would need to happen for us to be able to stay here in good ole NC:

1. We need 3 more people who would be able to stay with Jon consistently once a week from 10-2

2. We need a few back up people who could stay with Jon on days that the main individuals needed to be absent

3. We need a place that we could live cheaply until we sold our house*** (or for our house to sell quickly)

After we sell, we will be able to afford to rent or buy.  This one is a tricky one because Jon’s condition doesn’t allow us to move in justanywhere.  He is very sensitive to environmental issues, so the place would need to be newer, obviously without mold/dampness. It would also be a place where someone would be coming in every day to help care for Jon.

All in all, we ask that you will pray for wisdom for us.  We don’t want to go if God does not move us.  We don’t want to stay if He is ready for us to go.  Love to each of you, dear friends.

 

Why The Silence

More than two months without a word on the blog.  I know this.
I could attribute it to the hectic time that comes with the end of every school year.  That would be partially true.
Or the overwhelming time that comes with preparing a house to sell.
I could say that now that summer is in, I have been busy spending time with family and catching up on things that got pushed aside during busy May.
I could even tell you that my focus has been on things like photography and writing my first novel.
All of those things would be true.  But there is a darker reason for my silence.  One that I don’t know how to share.
Today, I decided that I would try. Are you ready?
I feel angry.
I am so ready to be done with this time in our lives.  What gives?
It is a new emotion for me. I haven’t felt the anger.
I have felt sadness, desperation, determination, peace, exhaustion, loneliness, and, at times, even joy through this difficult time.
But never have I been angry.
These days,  I find myself in the throes of a battle against anger.  But I keep switching sides.
So badly do I want God to be glorified through our struggle.  Oh, how I want this to be of eternal value!
But feelings of frustration and exasperation so quickly flood through me these days, I hardly realize it is upon me until it is squeezing in upon my heart.  And sometimes, I want to just let it dominate.
I want to let the anger flood over me.
I want to feel the cold electricity of rebellion consume my heart…because it has been long enough.
Because this is too much.
Because no one should have to watch three years of their lives go by trapped in a house without being able to live.
Especially a lively, funny, outgoing, healthy, athletic 24 year old who is living for the Lord
Because we are tired of living like we are 80 years old,
tired of being the charity case,
tired of having to depend on others to do for us.
We are tired of living in a way that doesn’t match with who we really are.

I stood at the sink, looking out the window.  Large tears rolled down into the dish water as I scrubbed.  No one could hear me except for Him and so I spoke aloud.  My voice a mix of accusation and pleading.

God, You’ve stripped us of too much.  It’s too heavy.  You have taken so much from us. 

I didn’t hear it audibly, but in my heart came the clear response.

  Yes, Child, I’ve taken much and you hurt deeply.  I see it, I know your suffering fully.
Will you follow Me?  In this hurt, in this struggle, will you be faithful to Me.

I brought my wrist up to my forehead and let the tears flow.

Yes, yes I want to be Yours, for always.  Help me to follow faithfully!  No matter what!

I remember a discussion with my students not long ago.  We were talking about relationships and divorce.  We were talking about how big things like divorce often begin years before with very small decisions.  I told them that I had decided in our marriage that I would never walk away from Jon in an argument.  I would not allow a disagreement to bring space between us.  No slamming doors as I lock myself in another room.  No jumping in my car and driving away.  I didn’t want to begin a pattern of separating when things were difficult.

Strangely,  I’m finding myself in that same position on a daily basis…but not with my husband…with my God.
When I believe that our time of suffering should be up, will I turn from Him in my anger or will I run to Him, cling to Him and share my hurt with Him.
When I ache inside at watching Jon be left out and forgotten, will I raise my voice in exasperation at the Most Holy One or will I cling to Him, knowing that He loves Jon more than I do.
I have to make the choice.  Will I start a pattern of separation from my Heavenly Father when things get difficult or will I choose to run to Him in the midst of the hurt?

Listen to me, I am disgusted at this anger that seeks to control my thoughts.  To excuse it as “understandable” would be to give validity to feelings of rebellion against a most holy, gracious, perfect God.  I share them, not to justify them, but to be open about the real struggles that we are facing in this illness. Pray with us, for healing, always, but also pray that God will continue to give us the strength to glorify Him in every step.  I want to finish faithful.

 

 

Who would know what to think of us?

One day, I am going to step out of the passenger side of the car, but only after the handsome driver has stepped around to open my door. Please know that as we walk leisurely across the parking lot toward the little coffee shop and he places his hand protectively on the small of my back, I will not be able to put away my smile.  We will sit at a tiny table,  with our little chess pieces and quiet laughter, long after our cozy mugs run dry…and no one around us will be able to quite  figure exactly why we paired our giddy faces with so many unexplainable tears. Perhaps when the baristas begin to sweep and clean out the fancy pastries, we will be able to pull ourselves away from the excitement of this “typical date” that is our dream come true… At least long enough to usher ourselves out to the parking lot… But don’t think my hands won’t be tightly tucked in his.